How to Win at Golf

Training
1. Mental prep
  1. Watch golf on TV religiously
  2. Get that computer game with Tiger whatsisname
  3. Rent "personal victory" subliminal tapes
3. Equipment
  1. Make sure your putter has a pro autograph on it
  2. Pick up a bargain bag of tees-n-balls at Costco
4. Diet
  1. Avoid junk food
    1. No hotdogs
  2. Drink wine and mixed drinks only, no beer
Pre-game
1. Dress
  1. Put on shorts, even if it's freezing
  2. Buy a new hat if you lost last time
2. Location and Scheduling
  1. Select a course where your spouse or boss won't find you
  2. To save on fees, play where your buddy workks
3. Opponent
  1. Look for: overconfidence, inexperience
  2. Buy opponent as many pre-game drinks as possible
On the Course
1. Tee off first, then develop severe hayfever
2. Drive cart over opponent's ball to degrade areodynamics
3. Say "fore" just before ball makes contact with opponent
4. Always replace divots when putting
5. Water cooler holes are a good time to correct any errors in ball placement